I’m not sure what I want to say. I never am that sure what I want to say. I tend only to write when I have big emotions inside of me without any other outlet of releasing them into the world. I guess this is one of those times, but I’m not sure what I want to say.
I have strung along a few entries with the theme of “Who am I?” I think I have begun to realize that that question has no definite answer. There isn’t anything that can be said to relieve the anxiety of answering that question because it is constantly evolving. An even more anxious question would be “What if I don’t like who I am?” That didn’t occur to me before now. I was always just looking for an answer, and I was never troubled that the answer may be something that I hadn’t actually been looking for. I know that there are many people that believe that you can be whoever you want to be, but I think that is a lie. You can be who you are, or you can lie to yourself and be who you want to be.
I guess this may be shorter than I expected it to be… It has been so long since I’ve felt anything at all. I have turned into a husk of my former self. A ghost, a wisp, a disembodied spirit with “unfinished business.” I am starting to feel again, but I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know how to interpret what I’m feeling, and I just don’t know anymore.
I learned something, in the time after the breakup. I learned to talk to myself. I have never been so alone before, so it ultimately led to me talking endlessly with myself. First, just in my head, but then it started to flow into speech without me realizing the transition. Now that I know more French, I have begun to talk to myself in that language. It helps me process what I’m thinking about because I have to come up with the verbiage and vocabulary for the sentences that I’m trying to create.
It usually ends up with an incoherent stream of words that no one else understands. This is helpful because I can say whatever I want without others interfering… Qui êtes-vous? Que faites-vous? and on and on…
Anyway, I guess I’ll stop babbling on about nothing in particular. I know that hardly anyone reads this anyway, but if you are someone that looks forward to these blogs, then I’m going to try to start doing something a bit more regular (we’ll see how that goes). Whether it is posting work that I’ve done for school, or just random things I find on the Internet. I think that this will be a good outlet for my incoherence.
