Too many days are spent sulking in dark rooms and wishing that the past would catch back up with you. It will take time to realize that there is nothing stopping you from hurtling headlong into the future. I guess the best way to describe this feeling is the gut-wrenching feeling of falling. Someone comes along and pulls the rug out from under your feet, and you are suddenly, inexplicably falling. You don’t know when you are going to find the solidity of the ground, but the free fall will eventually end.
I guess that life throws you curveballs, and you just need to learn how to smack them out of the park.
Curveballs, indeed.
Anyway. Love is a fickle thing. The heart is constantly yearning to find someone to attach itself to. Once you find that special someone, it seems like there can be no tomorrow without them. Each night you fall asleep, and their face flashes in your memory--bright and beautiful. Each moment with them keeps you alive, they fill your lungs, they keep your heart pounding in your chest, the world doesn’t matter when they are by your side.
Love can last a lifetime, or be brief, as brief as the moment. You can fall in love in a second, and the world is yours. Nothing in the world could possibly compare to the moment when the person says, “Yes.” They accept your invitation, they agree to breath in the moment with you, to run the race by your side, and create a million memories.
Memories are a record of the past. They can bring you to your knees, crying. They can make your run and jump and yell and scream with joy. The only thing that could possibly compare to reliving memories is creating new memories with the one you love. Hmmm… here I go again, becoming reminiscent.
Not to change the subject, but moving in a different direction: Have you ever wondered why music seems to be fueled by love? Every song is “happy, feel-good” while in a relationship, but once it ends every song seems to be some type of torturous agony. Maybe that is a bit strong, but not really.
Picture this, you are walking along the street. Finally, it seems that you may have controlled the memories of her, until you walk past a storefront and “that song” is streaming out of the open door. It is almost crippling. Bursts of color, feeling, and pain fill you up. Isn’t it odd how quickly the senses can twist a simple sound or a wafting smell into happiness or into pain?
I guess the only way to move forward is to understand that it is okay to be sad. It is okay to feel the pain and to be consumed by it. But you also must remember that once you have been consumed, you must come out the other side reborn into a stronger person. It is okay to remember, but you can never move on if you dwell.
As I write this, I know that I sound like a hypocrite. I am planning on dwelling and being consumed by the pain. Crying is a good release, it seems to ease the daily pain of the loss. Yes, she is gone. We will never have the same relationship again, but eventually we will be able to talk and be friends, and we both will have been able to move on. I would like to emphasize the word “eventually.” I know that it will take a very long time for me to release and let go. I have a way of attaching myself to people and having a very hard time detaching myself. If that makes any sense at all.
In the end, the only difference is whether you are willing to move forward or not. The memories will remain, the senses will linger to torture, and the longing for one last touch will haunt you. The only hope is that these feelings will dampen with time. They will become weaker until they are mixed with all the other underlying pains.
I will miss you, Macey, with all of my heart and soul. Thank you for the memories, thank you for the love, and most of all thank you for being my friend.
